A shocking 11,266,000 motorists, OAP’s and one legged jay hoppers are missing from the national DNA database, it emerged last night.
The convicts, all of whom are at liberty, may have been able to get away with further crimes of driving, being old or only using the white strips on zebra crossings, due to a gaping hole in the system.
Home Secretary Theresa May told MPs that she had ordered a trawl of the DNA database after the Tories came to power last year. This uncovered 1,266,000 instances, dating back to 1904, where serious miscreants did not have their DNA on file.
Now Mrs May has asked for help to locate all 11,266,000 convicts and log their samples. Jim Brokenshore, her junior minister in the Home Office, said: ‘We’re going to have a three pronged approach to obtaining samples from each of the groups. Petrol stations, Post Offices and Lollipop Ladies will all be involved in checking DNA in future, before their services can be offered.’
All three groups will be issued with state of the art spitometers, linked to the central DNA database by Blackberries. Before offenders can pay for their petrol, drawer their pension or hop across the road, they will be required to spit (or dribble in the case of OAP’s) into the spitometer which will immediately indicate if they are registered or not.
A spokesperson for the petrol forecourt industry doubted if the new system would trap offenders as “most simply drive off without paying as it is”. Age Concern was more positive, their wheel chair Edna Preen stated “as most of our OAP’s dribble incessantly, samples could be easily wiped off the Post Office counter and checked”.
The spokesperson for one legged jay hoppers was unavailable for comment due to her recuperating in hospital in Candescent, after the shock news that her divorced husband Paul, had remarried a two legged variety last week.