In a gripping interview with Tory leader David Cameron, the BBC's Jeremy Paxman has forced the aspiring prime minister to reveal that the party's social event cutbacks will include the removal of fine cognacs and creme de framboises from champagne cocktails, and the removal of beluga caviar from the official list of approved canape toppings.
"This reeks of austerity in its harshest form" said a bitter Hon. Nichola Soames as he tore-up his Conservative party membership card and vowed to vote New Labour "At least Lord Mandelson enjoys a decent glass of Crystal 2002 with a fine cognac or raspberry liquer injection, and eating sevruga caviar would not even cross his dog's mind."
"Cameron's cutbacks which include sending his children to top-performing state schools, and using his connections with former Oxbridge medics at NHS clinics instead of immigrant doctors from private medical companies show that he is determined to be a man of the people" said Lord Ashcroft from his tax-free Dubai penthouse apartment.
Other former Tories look set to join Soames' example and join New Labour. Even David Cameron himself said the proposition "Sounded attractive, after all who wants to drink NV" after forgetting his earlier interjections and Nick Clegg has decided to abandon the initiative to cancel the Trident replacement by drinking only Armand de Brignac NV Brut Gold, and "To be honest when mixed with Guinness it tastes quite nice. And it's much cheaper than Trident, even over 25 years. Can I count on your vote? You can pay the membership fee into my account if that would help."