The Liberal Democrats faced stern examination today after Nick Clegg announced a series of new policies whilst campaigning in Newcastle. Clegg promised voters at Newcastle Airport that he would make hangovers illegal, force the tooth fairy to double payments and make sure every year was a white Christmas. ‘It’s a long shot,’ stated Clegg, ‘but I have a dream of a Britain where magic can happen’.
Yet, the Lib Dem leader did concede that it may take a while to forge this Brave New World, ‘we’re in a pickle as it stands, and we are going to have to work hard to reach that pot of gold’. When asked about his economic plans for the coming term should he be elected, Clegg stated that he and Vince Cable are looking at a number of changes to the current taxation system, a scheme to reclaim the funds invested in the stricken banking system, and are ‘in discussions with Jesus regarding whether he would consider returning to die for our financial sins’.