Spin doctor Alistair Campbell has tearfully put the record straight and delivered a devastating critique of former chancellor Alistair Darling's personality.
Whispering out the side of his mouth to responsive journalists and bloggers, he outlined a series of shocking acts by Darling which must have tested Gordon Brown's patience to the limit.
In one incident, Darling made himself a cup of tea and sneaked back to his desk without asking the PM if he wanted one. Unbeknown to Darling however, Brown watched and recorded the entire event on his CCTV camera system. The PM, on watching the reruns with Campbell, was said to be mortified. Ed Balls, who also witnessed the offence, had wanted to 'do' Darling, but Yvette Cooper stopped him, saying that the Daily Mail would be given a propaganda victory and they're just not worth it.
It wasn't the first incident of this type. In a previous outrage, Darling has deliberately disturbed Brown by bellowing "Er, Gordon, I'm just popping down to the shops. Do you want me to get you anything?"
Brown, shaken to the core, somehow managed to maintain his composure as he explained to Darling. "Thanks Alistair. Thanks for breaking my FUCKING CONCENTRATION!"
Darling provoked Brown further, by holding his hands up and standing at the door frame, looking gormless. At which point, Brown was forced to patiently deal with his provocateur. "WHY THE FUCK? Why the fuck would I want anything from the fucking shops, you fucking areshole," he explained. Ever the communicator, he illustrated his point metaphorically, by ripping up a book, kicking a metal bin and smashing a Nokia handset over the head of a civil servant. Brown later advised her she'd have a good case to sue Darling.
Darling didn't stop there. he began taunting his prey, with spiteful phrases such as, "sorry mate," "Look I know you're under a lot of pressure," and "Please don't break that." Then, he delivered his devastating coup de grace. In slow, almost measured terms, he told Brown, "I'm,,,,er,,,, maybe it's better if I....er,..". Chillingly, he left the sentence unfinished, its lethal cadences hanging over its victim like a sword of Damocles.
Campbell briefed a select group of balanced, objective and fair minded reporters, from the Daily Mirror, the Guardian and a blogger from DieYouToryScum.com. Footage of the tea making incident has somehow been leaked to the BBC.