The Conservatives will give people a greater say in dealing with their own bodily functions, David Cameron told an election press conference this morning.
'I think people will agree with me,' Mr Cameron said, 'that Big Government should get off the backs of ordinary people and stop interfering with their right to control their own bodily functions. Conservatives want to build the Big Society where breathing, eliminating waste products, eating, walking, getting or out of bed and having a shower are left to we, the people.'
Mr Cameron said he had recently visited a hospital where he had seen a man hooked up to a respiratory machine.
'After thirteen years of Gordon Brown, there are people in our country who aren't even allowed to breathe without the government interfering or having some control over their kidneys.
'I was in a nursery school only on Monday and saw a young child, no older than my own children, being spoon-fed.
'It's all part of the real change a new Conservative government will bring to our country on 7 May,' Mr Cameron said. 'Bodily function empowerment is the Big Idea that will win us the general election.'
'Yes, I know there are some people out there who will say this is just s smokescreen for getting rid of the NHS. But when you see, as I saw the other day on one of my many visits to hospitals and old folk's homes, people having their bottoms wiped, you see how much Big Government has grown over the last thirteen years. A Conservative government will get rid of Gordon Brown's quangos and bureaucracy and EU directives and put defecation and urination firmly back in the hands of the people where they belong.'
The Conservative's pledge on bodily function empowerment seems to be a vote winner with some of the electorate. 'I am in complete agreement with it,' said Conservative supporter Mavis May (67) from Cheltenham. 'I've just, all by myself, wiped my own arse almost clean with the Tory party manifesto.'