Amanda Knox was welcomed home last night, as fury mounted in the US over the Italian legal system. Following a huge swell of interest in the case, America has agreed to show the world how justice should really be done.
Amanda Knox was met at the airport by a nurse who administered a lethal injection, in preparation for a lengthy investigation and pardon. "Several people claim she did it, which is normally enough for us to break out the 'needle of righteousness'", explained Chief Prosecutor Lacey. "But when it comes to putting on a good show trial? Let's just say Italy has a lot to learn."
Italy has one of the lowest prison populations in the world, due to a robust appeal system and lazy, incompetent policing. "This is no way to run a country", announced Lacey. "Not only do they let too many people go, they're jailing all the wrong kinds of people in the first place. Locking someone up for four years, before realising on appeal that they're wealthy and white? It's barbaric."
For such a high-profile case, prosecutors are demanding a much bigger jury than the normal 12. "We've had a flood of applications from amateur writers, keen to get their foot in the door of a major production", said Lacey. "But limiting ourselves to just 12 book deals will barely cover the lawyers' fees, so we're opening it up to a media trial with a televised, public vote."
Simon Cowell has already put himself forward to produce the 'Ex Factor', and has a lot of experience in exploiting the dead. "Pardoning an execution is a lot like getting Jedward to cover John Lennon's 'Imagine'", said Cowell. "Everyone agrees that the whole thing's a mess, but I get to make a lot of money."
The bidding for TV rights has been fevered. Most of the major networks are keen to secure an early release on BluRay, and Fox are curious to see what an apology looks like.
"This will be an electrifying experience", declared Lacey. "Hollywood have their best writers working on the summary, it should be a real gas. Obviously it's too early to say who the real winners are, HBO look confident but it's not a done deal. There's a lot of complicated details to brush over first. This is a real cut-throat business."