A massive power failure at one of BT’s main exchanges in Birmingham has put thousands of stilted and unconvincing relationships in jeopardy.
Adam and Jane are just two particularly tedious newlyweds who’ve been thrown in the precarious waters of having to solve their many vacuous and protracted melodramas without the help of a BT Home Hub and free Wi-Fi minutes.
‘What can I say?’ said Adam; emotion clearly almost evident in his voice. ‘BT’s various integrated multimedia packages are the only thing that’s kept Jane and I together through thick saccharine dialogue and thin characterisation.’
‘We’d always had such a strong connection, until now.’ he continued, gesturing forlornly towards his silent and un-flickering BT Superfast Infinity wireless modem.
Ian Livingstone, Chief Executive of BT Group plc, says their customer service department has been inundated with complaints from countless couples; distraught at the outage and its effect on their phony affairs.
‘The consequences for our call centres have been disastrous. Our Mumbai-based drone-operators, sorry, phone-operators, have never been exposed to the Adams and Janes of this world with their soporific, middle-class, pseudo-romantic, piss-weak bullshit and are falling asleep at their desks by the dozen.’
‘Some have even been rendered comatose before they’ve had the chance to cut customers off mid-sentence. We’ve had to double the frequency of routine staff slappings just to keep them awake.’ he added.
He also made a point to address the specific concerns of BT’s flimsy flagship family. ‘We hope it’s of some consolation to Adam, Jane and their surly offspring that should things not work out, we’ll be happy to document their split through a series of inevitably nauseous adverts centred around passive-aggressive exchanges over who gets to keep the Home Hub.’
‘I realise, of course, this doesn’t help everyone else, but rest assured that if you do see one of these ads on your TV and are having problems, simply turn it off, wait for 30 seconds, then turn it back on again. That should solve the problem.’