Motorists in a huge 10km tailback on the M56 near Ellesmere Port got out of their cars and began pacing up and down like they were extras in some ridiculously unnecessary Hollywood disaster flick earlier today.
Traffic ground to a halt at 6.20 am when a diesel lorry jack-knifed causing considerable disruption to both eastbound and westbound traffic. As frustrations grew, IT manager, Derek Johnson, hit upon the idea to liven things up a bit.
‘Myself and a few other drivers had had enough of sitting impotently behind the wheel so that’s when we hatched a plan to make things a lot more interesting’ said Johnson.
‘It started with us all making anxious mobile phone calls to our wives exaggerating the situation; saying things like ‘Just sit tight honey‘ and ‘Heck, if I ever come through this utter carnage, I swear by almighty God we will work somethin’ out’. My missus really took the bait when I told her I could no longer feel my legs. ‘
Johnson, who by this time had assumed the role of leader, then approached fire crews yelling ‘Get out of the way asshole’ in a convincing New York accent despite his one holiday in the last three years being a 10 day coach trip to Carcassonne with National Express.
Meanwhile Geoff Schofield, a sales ledger clerk from Warrington, in what ambulance crews later conceded was ‘a masterstroke’, fell to the ground clutching his chest, feigning a massive coronary . ‘It was absolutely textbook’ said Johnson, who phoned Schofield’s wife to give her the bad news, adding ‘Don’t you ever give up on him - you hear me? ‘
Newlyweds Dave and Sheila Thompson then added to the drama by haranguing paramedics, claiming that Mrs Thompson was heavily pregnant and that her waters had just broken. ‘I told those assholes they had better let us through else she and the foetus were gonna die and did they want those easily-preventable tragic twin deaths on their consciences,’ said a triumphant Mr Thompson . ‘My wife isn’t pregnant,’ he quipped, ‘She’s just fat.’
Emergency services later described the behaviour as ‘unhelpful’ and warned that anyone adopting a similar approach to lengthy tailbacks would be liable to prosecution. Dirk Wellbecker, formerly known as Martin Smith, a Fire Chief for the entire West Cheshire region broke down in tears following the incident and asked for a hug, adding “Geez, I love you man.”