The government have unveiled their plans for a dribbling, incontinent workforce by removing the statutory retirement age and raising the state pension age to 95
The upper classes have welcomed the initiative. Henry Twottington-Plumstuck of Kensington expressed his delight to reporters "With one's super-plus pension plan and banker's bonus, one will still be able to retire at 50 and jet around the world without those wretched lower classes clogging up the airports en route to Ibiza for the winter months".
Local authorities will be able to make savings by closing care homes; the elderly won’t be able to afford to retire and will instead continue in full-time employment, dribbling and asking directions to the toilet every 10 minutes (which they’ll promptly forget).
The RAC is anticipating further road chaos with 80 year old truck drivers awaiting hip replacements falling asleep at the wheel. Harry, a 74 year old factory worker from the Isle of Wight, was unimpressed “ConDemNation! I was looking forward to putting me feet up and goin' to the coffee mornings in the village; now I s’pose I’ll have to keep working till they wheel me out from my bench, while that Cameron’ll no doubt be ‘aving a nice snooze with the rest of ‘em in the ‘ouse of Lords”.
The youth community have welcomed these proposals – since the elderly won’t be retiring, there won’t be any job opportunities for young people, so there’ll be no need for them to get out of bed in the mornings.
Nick Clegg is quoted as saying that he and Cameron are living proof that having young people in charge with new-fangled ideas can only lead to trouble so it’s better to keep the same people in the same jobs for as long as possible.