The latest meddling by Brussels bureaucrats has been slammed by British animal charities. Not content with informing consumers about the efficiency of the Great British fridge-freezer, the treatising twerps now want energy ratings...on our pets.
Derek Shears, the owner of a G-rated spaniel in Hackney, is angry with both this idea, and any sentence with ‘Europe’ in it. "My grandad didn't get himself killed in both world wars just to see my choice in pets appraised", ranted Derek. “I suppose these jokers want me to buy some faceless euro tree-sloth? Well not while there's still breath in my dog's body. Then I suppose I'll see what they've got in stock at ‘Pets at Home’."
Animal shelters are furious with the plan. "We've got loads of slightly less efficient second-hand pets in stock, and now we can't give them away", moaned Sheila Carmichael, mammal recycling consultant with the Blue Cross. "Only last month we had to convert all the dogs to new shorter leads, and label the cats with allergy warnings. Now this."
"It’s no wonder everyone wants tortoises now, and we’ve been at loggerheads over them. We have to tape up two of the leg holes on the bigger ones, just to squeeze them into a B-rating."
Experts say the loony scheme will bring a flood of lazy rodents from eastern Europe, to hibernate for months at a time or lie uselessly in their wheels. Jim Davies, a reactionary tyre-fitter from Thurrock was furious when he heard the news. “I suppose the EC expects us to support these layabouts, and for what? Just to save on a few carbon dog biscuits? They make me sick. Although they do reduce my flatulence and improve my breath.”
But Tory MEPs have warned that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and the scheme could soon be expanded to children. “It’s hard enough getting them to play outside, but running around in all weathers will just make matters worse”, explained Judy Trench, MEP for the Mid-West. “Britain’s ‘squeezed middle’ can’t afford to pay more into the EU coffers just because their kids’ jeans are half-way down their arse cheeks. They need to pull their socks up, but if anything this is going to encourage more hoodies.”
Several campaigns have been launched on Facebook to oppose the new rules, two of them with good spelling. “Someone should take to the streets over this”, shouted Edith Boreham, an active teenager from Swanley. “I’d do it myself but I don’t want to risk being pushed into an F-rating.”