We call this time, "The Time of the Whirling Christ" because it begins and ends with "Christ Whirling".
In the First Century, it was wrote that, "Christ whirled and the faithful started whirling in homage".
Now this "whirling" did not commence during the "Earthly Lifetime" of The Saviour.
It did in fact commence at the time we call "The Commencement of the Whirling of The Saviour."
This would probably be as good a time as any to preclude any confusion, by stating frankly that, even though "The Whirling Christ", and "Whirling Dervishes" have the word "whirling" in common, the causes of the "whirling" are completely different. One being a result of a natural physical phenomena, transitioning into a religious ritual (in the fullness of time), and the other being (whirling) to induce a type of transcendent state.
Additionally, there is an abundance of archeological evidence, (indeed this "abundance of evidence" telling in itself,) is attributed to "in-experienced whirlers" becoming dizzy, loosing their proper equilibrium, knocking over various household, house of worship, and public place vessels and furnishings, thereby creating this "Bull in the China Shop" type of chard heap. A sort of "embarrassment of riches" to any archeologist laying an eye on it.
The cause of this "Christ's Whirling", is also writ in the "Gospel of the Whirling Christ".
Now the actual physical or mechanical cause was this: The lazy crucifiers who crucified Christ did not in fact re-fill the hole into which Christ's cross was installed with dirt or rocks. They were tired from digging three cross hole that day and just flung the cross in, then took a nap.
(an aside)
These fellows were obviously not your top-shelf type of "Proffessional Crucifiers" on duty during the "Golden Days of Crucifixion".
Of course Roman general Marcus Crassus' crucifixion of the 6,000 rebel gladiators led by Spartacus springs to mind, (73-71 B.C.E.) making the historian Flavius Josephus account of 800 crucified by King Jannaeus (88 B.C.E.), and the crucifixion by Quintilius Varus, of 2,000 who had rebelled against Roman rule, (4 B.C.E.), seem like slightly smaller potatoes. (But probably not to those who were being crucified.)
Josephus tells us, "Many a stout fellow was rendered useless by the exhausting "Dig-dig, hammer-hammer" regimen of those days.
Now it is writ in "The Events in the Weather at the Time of Christ's Crucifixion" that:
At the time of Christ's death there was a "great earthquake" which rent the rocks in the vicinity of Jerusalem and "opened up many of the graves of the saints".
On the western slopes of the Mount of Olives is a very extensive graveyard. But of course this is not the only burial place around Jerusalem. Many of those graves were opened at that time in conjunction with the earthquake. (But), The bodies of those in the tombs did not come forth until after our Lord was raised from the dead. Those coming forth appeared to many with Jesus in Jerusalem during the forty days of His stay after the resurrection. (It is written,...."The Lord did sayeth to those saints coming forth from the tombs,...'Thou shouldst wear a piece of gauzy cloth in front of thine eyes to shield them from the sun, or use thine hand to cast a shadow upon them, to avert squinting, and causing thine face to acquire an excessively wrinkled appearance which might scareth away the children.")
Now during the First Century, it was writ, (by the female apostle Mary Magdalene), that "The graves opening up of the saints, and the bodies in the tombs appearing after The Lord was raised from the dead." was in reality because, "The 'saints had never really been dead.' in fact 'they were hanging out in the 'Tombs' with Jesus, (because inside the tombs, the temperature was much cooler than in the blazing heat of the city) playing cards, getting fat eating loaves and fishes, gambling, attending; 'locations where women of "dubious repute" were alleged to loiter for "no reliable purpose"''. In fact, (Mary Magdalene reported): 'the wives of "The Apostles hired quarry workers to roll back the huge stones which sealed the tombs and evict "the Apostles" because, since they did not have a saviour to follow, they could get jobs like normal men, and fix up the house. They had weaseled out of their household duties long enough, and their wives were poised to make their lives "a living Hell" if they even mentioned the words "Messiah" or "Son of God" again.
Naturally this "Gospel of The Saints Marching In" (to Jerusalem) was deleted from the cannon of the Church because it eroded the generalized "male domination" of everyday life.
When the Centurion who was watching Jesus felt the earthquake and saw its effects (the eclipse of the sun and a great wind) and the things that were done, he feared exceedingly and said, "Truly this was "The Wind They Call Mariah." This Gentile, like Cornelius was not prejudiced; but was open to conviction and came to faith in the advantage of "Becoming A Messiah Type", Standing and observing that which was transpiring. (Many women who had followed The Saviour and ministered unto Him.) This Roman soldier thought "This is a certain way to have more admirers of my manly authority." (have more female friends). Also , He had His own donkey.
At this time, Cornelius "Threw down his sword, and ordered his first pair of 'Sandals Suitable For Walking On Water' from the 'Messiah Outfitter Emporium' in Jerusalem." They were the best in the business, and knew to inquire if the purported "Messiah" would be walking on the Dead Sea, or a body of water with normal salinity, as the wrong amount of buoyancy calculated would expose credibility destroying free-board of the 'Walking-On -Water" footwear. (because seeing these "walking on water sandals" which resembled modern-day "clown-shoes" might cause suspicion that a miracle was not occurring.)
"Truly this was 'The Wind They Call Mariah.''' were the words of the Centurion, and this wind was the actual force which caused Christ to whirl in the first place.
This wind, (the wind they call "Mariah"), blew only on one side of the saviour's cross because an olive tree blocked one side. (Many olive trees grew in the cemetery, and with great profusion of olives, because for some reason, the earth in the cemetery seemed to nourish the trees with great vigor). This "one-sided force" blowing on the cross is what it made it whirl. In fact every puff of the "Wind They Called Mariah", made it spin faster.
This spinning, (through centrifugal force,)(or more accurately, 'the property called the conservation of angular momentum.), caused the Saviour to start to be thrust away from The Cross, and toward everything else in the world. Since the Lord was doing His best to hold onto the handles inside the "for nailing purposes corpse hands", his arms started to acquire an "extra-elbow" motif. Plus, with His feet pulling out of the "for nailing purposes only corpse feet, His legs looked like they had an extra "backward-knee" articulation physicality to them. The motif gave the appearance of someone "doing the 'Limbo' ", at a "Crucifixion cult" type party.
This force caused the Holy One's hands and feet to pull out of the other person's hands and feet which had been nailed to the cross in lieu of His own.
(an aside)
Only Pilate and a few close associates knew the truth about this.
Flavius Josephus wrote:
"Pilate did not want the Lord crucified. In truth, he liked Jesus". More to the point, "He may not have liked Him too much personally, but he liked what He was doing to the population in the Holy Land. This was , divide them into small politically weak groups, which is a classic tactic to win a victory over an enemy , in a hot or cold war".
The moneylenders were becoming powerful politically, and therefore able to threaten the tranquility of life. This "Threat To the Tranquility of Life" being a direct threat to Pilate, for if news of "the natives being restless" got back to the Emperor Caligula, Pilates testicles had a fairly good chance of being removed with a rusty cleaver, and thrown to the Emperor's pet chimpanzee for a tasty snack.
By "renting money" they did not actually do any work, except murder or beat up those who did not pay them their "rental fee" for the borrowed money.
Pilate had to allow the moneylenders a certain niche in society, as they helped control the rabble. Privately, Pilate hated them, saying, "I would rather drink the contents of a chamber pot, (which he often did), than accept a glass of wine from those vultures." (These interesting facts found among documents and commemorative accouterments in "Pilates House", central Italy, 1961.)
Pilate, knowing Jesus had a way with words, wanted to save Him so He could train other Messiah types to come and further divide the populous, and offer loans at a lower interest rate, to again, weaken the money lenders. (the modern reader will recognize ploys used by the World Bank and IMF in the present day)
In order to pull of this illusion, Pilate's taxidermist had acquired a human corpse, and chopped off the arms at the elbows. He then had a taxidermist skin the skin off the part nearest the elbows, while leaving in, the bones in the hand and lower wrist. Then he had "handles" attached to the upper wrist bones. The feet were also treated in the same way. so that, the bones in the feet were left intact, and the leg-bones were removed, so that the feet which were off a dead man could be tied onto Christs feet like the "Monster Boots" rock and roll legends from the 1970s would wear for "Glamor". Blood and gore from the "Scourging At The Pillar" helped hide the ill-configured limbs.
The arms were fitted onto Jesus, and although the extra length of His arms gave him a "gorilla" sort of appearance, it would have fooled the average Joe who attended crucifixions, as the average Joe who attended such a horrifying spectacle must have had something wrong with his brain anyway.
Now everything was going smoothly till the "whirling" started. The "whirling" made the Savior's feet pull out from the "rock-star boots" one by one and the visual experience was like a chorus girl from the Radio City Music Hall. Or one of the "Three Stooges" running in place while slapping himself on the head, saying, "Woo Woo Woo Woo!"
The final part in the show was when Jesus was forced to let go of the handles in His fake "hand extensions" and He flew with great force up into the mist, and landed on a group of the apostles who were on top of the cave where the Lord was supposed to be laid to rest after He died. Good timing for the apostles, for they had only water to drink, and were eager for the Lord to change it into wine.
The arms and legs still nailed to the cross were in reality, not so unusual as one might think. After a few days in the sun bits of corpses often fell off. The curious were further distracted from the details of this scene by the sight of a dead man, apparently killed by the "Crown of Thorns" Christ had been wearing. It had been slung off His head during the whirling and had struck an onlooker on the chest. A thorn had impaled the heart of the man, rendering him quite dead. The thorn nailed him to a tree he had been leaning against. He had a funny look on his face.
The chronic nail shortage in the Holy Land plus the inexplicable upsurge in necrophiliacs in the epoch would have soon solved the left over evidence problem. Inscriptions and lusty murals found at Herculaneum tell us, "Wives would have their husbands acquire 'gloves made by skinning dead man's hands' and have their husbands wear their rotting gloves as they did their manly duties. Bits of smelly flesh flaking off and stinking up the proceedings."
This is a rather early example of "Aspects of Zombie-ism" being incorporated into frescoes. An interesting part of the rich tradition depicting the un-dead in the arts. The "summer house of Vespasian" yielded some peculiar works of art, which have led many a historian to epic head-scratching sessions.
The history blogging community has thrust forth many un-confirmed and un-documented theories which have added to the curiosity of the general public regarding the use of dead people's skins as love devices, akin to the contraptions found in modern "Rubber Penis Emporiums".
This includes the conceptual pro-genitor to the often attempted , but so far not successful "horse-penis-transplant" we hear of depicted in the (whispered about) double secret "Vault of Certain Hell-Fire". So-called because of the accurate renderings of such debauchery, a mirror with dark glass had to be used to view the page. An allusion to which, Dan Brown was persuaded to remove from "The Da Vinci Code".
In order to emulate the Savior, the clergy, (and even some nuns!) felt compelled to whirl in church. Babies smothered in baptismal oil were in danger of popping out of a whirling priests arms during the Holy Baptismal ceremony. Fat church rats watched from hidden rat-holes, the babies, nice and fat and oiled up, looking like a collection of sausages with a head on top. Their safety only guaranteed by the fat rats who could not scurrey over and spirit them away, because of their excessive avoir du pois slowing them down.(fat rats having gobbled down many bees-wax candles, and the leftovers from the feasts eaten bt the clergy)
By the second century, so many eyes had been plucked out after having been stabbed by flailing crosses attached to rosaries worn around the necks of "whirling clergy", fake eyeballs were outfitted onto fancy-dress-ball type priest disguises, as an inside joke.
We believe that this Gospel was deleted from the cannon of the church because as the popes generally were older men, they just couldn't keep whirling. Not even the lusty popes who spent most of their waking hours pumping. Cramming their hot tools into the anuses of groaning nuns and altar-boys, claiming that it was a type of pennance equal to 100 "Our Fatheres" and 200 "Hail Marys".
Due to the new pope's nature, there has been an un-precedented tidying up of the Vatican Archive, and bottles have been found with remnants of documents from the first millennium which may have helped us understand. The "Whirling" of Christ had become a ritual. Although the teachings and good deeds of the Saviour were the important and substantive part of the Christian religion, somehow this showy "Whirling" behavior had acquired an undeserved place of homage.
Rituals were sometimes used as a way of gathering needed funds for the early church. For example, use of "censors" was originally a type of snack dispenser in which a whole chicken could be roasted. Then, after communion, the altar boys would spread throughout the church with different flavor wood-chips scenting the chickens. As time passed, the chickens re-ceded in importance, and the ritual stayed. So did the collection plate.
The "Evening Gowns" the modern bishops wear were originally used as a disguise for a quick get away. It had been noticed that even the most vulgar pirates who had started attacking the Italian coast were chivalrous enough to spare the hideous Italian dowagers. (actually bishops fleeing the siege). Many bishops realized they preferred dressing in drag, and the attire became de rigueur. After all, just putting on a wig and bolting out the back door was easy to do. The ample supply of exquisite young Italian women more or less assured the bishops getting away, as most pirates prefer beautiful young women to hideous old fat men wearing evening gowns anyway.
After the reformer Martin Luther nailed his 95 Feces onto the church door in 1517, the "Blonde Christs on Ice Skates" began to emerge. Along with viril blonde pastors, blonde wives and large flocks of blonde children in tow.
This tradition of "Whirling Christs" diminished in the warmer countries. This had a correlation with the weight and age of the pope and bishops. Simultaneously, in the colder countries, many of which were Protestant, there developed a cult of physical strength and athletic ability which seemed to be a way of saying "Up yours" to the overweight un-married clergy. These "Super-Pastors" were all accomplished ice-skaters, and plays which had Christ's birth taking place on the frozen tundra were commonplace. Horse-drawn sleighs brought the "Three Wise Men". No camels. This gave rise to "Christ-On-Ice" pageants, with blonde-bearded, blonde-haired, Christs whirling at astounding speed, and with every revolution, casting a "poo-poo" towards the Vatican and the fat evening-gown-wearing clergy, who could do absolutely nothing about it. (except threaten to ex-communicate anyone who as much as strapped on an ice-skate.)
The Chinese learned of the whirling too, and were polite enough to allow missionaries they were sending to the God of their choice the honor of whirling away to heaven, as Jesus had done. They luckily had developed rockets and one large one attatched to each corner of the Jesuit's body did the trick. Amen.
Anus Domini 2011.
