The BBC, ITV and Sky joined forces last night to announce that every single programme to be shown on British television over the next six months will, on pain of death, feature Stephen Fry in some capacity or other.
All sports coverage is to be replaced by a continuous loop of the crowd at Lords showing Stephen Fry having a drink with Mick Jagger , John Major and a pissed Bishop. US TV hit “House” will be re-written to include Stephen reprising his role as Hugh Laurie’s Butler.
There will also be a new reality show: “Lock Up Your Credit Cards – its Stephen Fry!” where a select group of upper Middle-Class teenagers try to avoid getting to Cambridge by committing fraud, but with the twist that they get there anyway because “at least they didn’t go to some bloody Comprehensive”.
Fashion whoopsie Gok Wan will feature a “how to look like Stephen Fry” Christmas special where fat middle-aged women will be convinced they look lovely dressed in hand-tooled Church’s Brogues and Harris Tweed underwear.
Finally Grand Designs will feature the demolition of St. Paul’s Cathedral and its replacement with an 80 foot solid gold replica of Stephen Fry’s head which will boom the phrase “petty bourgeois obsession” in a 140 decibel fruity voice over London and the Home Counties every 15 minutes.
Plans are also under way for every Man , Woman, Child and higher mammal in Britain to have a special chip implanted in their brain to enable them to receive all of Stephen’s Twitters directly into their cerebral cortex , thus enabling us all to share in his fascinating life at all times.
Stephen Fry last night described the plans as “frightfully mundane” .