Anyone who makes a half decent speech in the next week could regret it for life, as an aggrievance of press gangs roam the country looking for potential party leaders.
One young woman, Yvette, has been press-ganged into leading the Labour party after she made a nice speech in Liverpool yesterday. Her husband, Ed, has put a brave face on things in public, but he's reported to be secretly devastated that his wife might follow Ed Milliband.
Children as young as sixteen have been drafted for the role of 'future party leader' after making the mistake of climbing on a podium and repeating audience pleasing slogans. One schoolboy from Maidstone has already been hijacked as a future Labour party leader. The effect has been devastating. He's already had some much abuse he's had to delete his twitter account and is being followed by stand up comedians.
It's not just Labour. All the political parties are desperate for someone who speaks well in public and looks good on telly. Experts say these are the two qualities you need to run one of the world's biggest economies. Anyone wandering onto a podium and speaking to the back of the hall risks attracting attention.
"You might think it's a bit of harmless fun," said one victim, "but before you know it, you'll have delivered the speech of your life."
Scotland yard is so concerned it has set up a special unit, SPOYL (the Speech of Your Life) to warn the public. "Don't let cheap sentiment SPOYL your world," says one leaflet.
William Hague has agreed to make a guest appearance at a meeting of SPOYL. He's promised not to speak.