It is a doomsday scenario feared by military top brass the world over: The economic downturn bites with ever greater savagery, weapons of mass destruction become too expensive, and the labour costs involved with conventional warfare become out of reach for most governments. With PC prices soaring, even cyber warfare becomes too dear.
“The alternative seems almost unthinkable,” said one US five star US general, who preferred not to be named. “It’s inhumane, degrading and downright primitive. This kind of engagement with an enemy can be downright toxic, psychologically and can affect millions of innocent civilians within far less than 45 minutes”
Nevertheless, it’s understood the US military is not alone in preparing some of the world’s most powerful insults to be used without warning against an attacker. The US-made insults, stockpiled in secret silos in the deserts of Arizona are said to include laboratory-tested curses that can strike instant terror into the sex lives of older female relatives the world over. China, India and Monaco are also thought to be testing insults in remote locations.
It's understood there has already been an insult-leak at an undisclosed area in the UK, where a malediction involving your grandmother, a spitoon, a mongoose and Eric Pickles was accidentally released. Productivity plummetted, and homelessness, lawlessness and other harmflul essnesses increased overnight, with the death toll still rising.
In a horrible reverberation of the 1980’s, a scenario spookily named “Mutually Assured Derision” is echoing round the corridors of power. “It’s crazy,” said another US senior military source. “Seventy years ago conventional warfare was regarded as a great way of kick-starting ailing economies. Men fought and died for what they believed in, and the result was motorways, microwave ovens and another good thing that starts with an M. Then came Ronald Reagan, whose investment in dangerous weapons gave us Star Wars and, eventually, the internet. This was wholesome red-blooded warmongering that meant dignity for our men and a healthy arms trade with Saudi Arabian tyrant families. Now this. Whoever thought the insult thing up is a cunt.”