In a shock move that has stunned technology markets, Apple has turned its back on the tablet market to launch an entirely new device – the Fedex 81. It will be a collaboration between Apple and couriers Fedex and is the first time Apple has worked with another company in such a way.
With his first decision as CEO, Tom Cook has swept aside the legacy built up by his predecessor and turned his back on the long established product line. “It will clean up,” says Cook “we’ve spent the past few years repackaging the same stuff, giving it i-prefixed names and just jacking up the price”
With a revolutionary new company core value called Looking Backwards To Move Forwards (LBTMF), Apple developers have been scouring junk shops and yard sales for inspiration. A few months ago, they discovered a mint condition Sinclair ZX81. “It was a watershed moment,” says cook “we all looked at each other because we knew it was a Eureka discovery”
However, Cook is at pains to point out that the new Fedex 81 “definitely doesn’t resemble” Sir Clive Sinclair’s ZX 81 in anyway. “Nope, no siree, it’s not like that at all. And it definitely does not infringe any patents” said a noticeably nervous Cook. “His machine was black with rubber keys, ours will be white with an Apple logo and latex keys”
The technology behind the new device is a noticeable departure for the company. “Previously, we’ve concentrated on touch screens, facetime and instant communication. We feel it’s much more satisfying for our customers if they have to wait for stuff. It gives them a sense of achievement”. Cook illustrates this with an example of their new messaging service. “You type your message on to the computer, then print it out. You contact Fedex, who will send a courier to collect the print out and then ship it to the addressee. We expect most responses to be back in a week”
Cook denies they are taking advantage of their customers’ unswerving loyalty to brand Apple. “We’ve just missed opportunities in the past. For instance, we’ve been selling them devices with built in screens and we’ve lost out on that revenue. The Fedex81 has no screen will require the i-Mon, a unique 32 inch monitor. We will get double the revenue”
However, an unnamed source at Apple has released audio recordings (made on a Samsung) from a briefing Cook gave on his first day. He is heard to say “....I know that our customers will buy any old rubbish with a picture of an apple, and I’m going to prove it.”
When contacted for his comments, Cook would only say “Bloody Samsung!”