Gordon Brown insisted earlier today that Labour were the only party that could be trusted to keep the country free of Phil Collins.
In 1997, Phil Collins famously stated that if Labour won the election he would leave the country. His desperate plea went on to help Labour achieve its famous landslide victory. True to his word, the ‘hobgoblin of rock’ retreated to a luxury tax haven in Switzerland.
The Prime Minister emphasised that it was only as a “direct consequence” of the three terms of the Labour government that the country had been spared from the “warblings of this hypocritical git”. “There are many youngsters in this country today that have never heard ‘Another day in paradise’ and we are 100% committed to keeping it that way”, he continued, referring to the millionaire’s song about the misery of homelessness.
In his exile, Phil Collins has become somewhat of a recluse. Rare recent footage of him drumming was released last year, in which he appeared bloated, vacant-eyed and surprisingly hirsute. Its subsequent use within a “Dairy Milk” TV advertising campaign went on to gain him unexpected sympathy and at the time there were calls from some quarters for him to be asked to return.
However, Gordon Brown was certainly showing no sympathy today, reminding voters that under a Tory government the public had not only had to suffer his music, but his movies too and that those “dark, dark days” could once again be upon us.
The Conservative Party provided a statement in which the suggestion of the return of Collins was called “scaremongering of the worst kind”. It went on to say, that despite Collins's obvious natural talent for “taking the money and running”, rumours of secret talks about sequel to his 1988, train robbery movie, Buster, were “absolute bunkum”.
The Prime Minister added that on the back of the success of the Collins exile, under a Labour government other celebrity Tory supporters would be encouraged to leave too. Reporters were told to expect a series of election campaign posters depicting these “deeply irritating” celebrities with the caption “STFU & FO”.
Michael Caine was not available for comment.