Britain’s biggest supermarkets and their customers are today given an ultimatum by the Prime Minister, stop using plastic carrier bags and start knitting your own.
“During the war years, the public were perfectly capable of knitting their own bathing suits, wedding dresses and even shoes, so why not reintroduce knitting to the popular masses and ban plastic shopping bags” he says.
His initiative is backed by Women’s Institutes across the land “when plastics were in short supply during the war, I even knitted condoms for the local community and they were very effective” said Nora Nit (99), President of the Neasden branch and mother of 10.
The coalition government fully supports the scheme and is prepared to upgrade any knitting machines hidden away in lofts, free of charge. “We shall also introduce an initiative in liaison with knitting machine manufacturers, so that for every 100 supermarket bags knitted by a family, earns them extra clothes coupons” said a Liberal spokesman.
“Resistance was initially voiced by Tesco” he continued, “who asked what customers were supposed to use, if they forgot to bring their own knitted bags or found one to have a hole in it at the checkout. They were reassured when I pointed out that queues are so long at their checkouts, a bank of knitting machines could be lined up at each, so customers could quickly knit their own while waiting, or darn any there, that had become unusable”.
Apple are excited by the news and will soon release apps that will enable all iPhones to design multi colored knitted bags for those finding it difficult to knit with more than one color wool.
A cross section of the public were asked their view on the proposal and the general consensus was that it cannot come quick enough. Slasher Face, the leader of a notorious hoody gang in Brixton wrote in to the consultation “Me an my mates are pissed off wiv looting and generally terrorizing the locals cause der is no youf clubs rand here, so nitting bags to carry our BOGOF booze wil keep us orf the streats four sur”.
RyanAir are currently looking into the possibility of banning "in cabin" luggage NOT contained within knitted bags and installing similar banks of knitting machines at the queue for customs, at a low cost to them, naturally subsidised by their customers.