Within the next few days the government will announce measures to increase the productivity of the UK's workforce with a radical new approach to queueing. Walk in queueing centres, open 24 hours, will be created which allow people to do their queuing whenever they wish. Simply log in with your 'Oystand card' on arrival, join the nearest queue and spend as long or as little time as you see fit, the card will automatically tally up your time spent when you leave. The minutes built up can then be spent in shops and businesses around the UK.
'The thing about queueing is that you have to do it when you least want to,' explained Jeff Tangle, the brains behind the new system, 'you want that sandwich, coffee or adult magazine now, so that you can get on with the job in hand, it's the worst time to be just standing and waiting. If you could do that queueing at your leisure leaving you more time when you're busy, everyone would be better off. With this system you can.'
It has also been suggested that the queueing centres will be stocked with sweets, newspapers, coffee, cash points and other useful items to give people something to do whilst there.
'This is the real genius bit', grinned Steve Whittington, owner of the queueing centres, 'instead of people queueing to buy things, they buy things because they're queueing; it is a completely different psyche. Furthermore because you are queueing for time and not distance queue jumping becomes impossible.'
The new system does have its sceptics who suggest it will lack the je ne sais quoi that was born out of the pure necessity of the traditional method.
'The beauty of the queue is that you have to do it,' explained Annette Bubler, a regular queuer at both the supermarket and Post Office, ' you make new friends, listen to music or think about the best way to kill everybody in the shopping centre. With the new system you are free to leave when you wish and thus won't require such musings. Much of this country’s creativity, and military strategy, is born out of the boredom of queues.'
As an incentive for the new system tickets for a draw, dubbed the National Loitery, are to be given out to anyone who uses a card, with the winner receiving a years queuing, tax free and a 'queueing, don't stand for it' T-shirt.