An entire generation of aspiring arseholes could be forced to pursue meaningful employment as the job market for media hate-figures reaches saturation point, recruitment experts have warned.
Tim Bekir, CEO of specialist recruitment website totalknobs.com, says the situation looks bleak for thousands of prospective animosity-magnets.
‘From Naomi Campbell to Jack Tweed, these kids have grown up bathed in the success and ubiquity of countless reprehensible cunts and, naturally, it’s a career-path many of them have aspired to.’
‘They’ve seen that with the right publicist and haircut, being a swaggering bell-end can, far from holding you back in life, actually form the basis of a good living as schadenfreude-fodder in magazines and on reality shows. Unfortunately though, there’s now so many out there that even the most obnoxious shit-horns are going to have trouble getting in to Heat.’
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, says his sympathies go out to all those affected by the adverse market conditions.
‘With little to no skills outside taking cocaine and being unpleasant, I know how hard it’s going to be for some of these cunts to find a proper job. It’s tough out there. I remember one particularly desperate case recently where you had 16 obnoxious pricks all applying for the same position. The Apprentice, I think it was called.’
‘In the meantime though, these kids will just have to get themselves down the Job Centre where, actually, they should feel right at home.’
Bekir agrees and says that even his most brash and talentless clients may simply have to give up on their dreams and pursue other careers. ‘I’ve got one particularly annoying guy on my books who, on paper, has it all. He’s been a twat in all the right places for months now but just can’t get any press.’
‘Every time he does something thick like punch a nightclub barman or be racist in a cafe, there’s always someone else like Ashley Cole being an even bigger dick just around the corner, stealing his column inches. It doesn’t matter how much he does wrong, nothing goes right for him.’
‘It’s a shame because he’s such a wanker. I hate to say it, but I think the time might have come for him to jack it all in and consider a job in PR.’