Scientists at CERN's research centre have made a startling discovery, after getting bored and messing about with their Large Hadron Collider.
"We've not had much luck lately", explained Dr Heinz Vernicht, a professor of particle physics. "We've spent more than 50 years building this thing, spent millions of dollars, francs and whatnot. And for what? We didn't want to tell anyone it doesn't work, so we started firing random things together, hoping for a change in fortune."
Naturally, the scientists hadn't intended to fire the sibling politicians together at one of the speeds of light. "It was a mistake. They were here on a 'team building' exercise, where we let dysfunctional groups break things, until they think they're special. As it turns out, they were already on a collision course, we just had to speed them up a little"
The pair were meant to fire a 280lb bear at a watermelon, to investigate whether fruit can hibernate or claw open a canoe. "A row broke out between them, a really tedious one. It was all 'I'd quite like to go first', and 'I understand your argument, but I would like to suggest an alternative arrangement'. After 20 minutes or so, we got so fed up we just slammed the door and hit the button."
Although the experiment was over pretty quickly in real time, to the scientists the crash happened in slow motion. "It was incredibly boring, I couldn't wait for it to end", explained Vernicht. "But once the two had disappeared up each other, we looked at the gauges. We'd done it, we'd finally discovered something: we'd found anti-policy particles. If any of these little babies comes into contact with a useful policy, or even a half formed good idea, it immediately converts it into bullshit, by vastly increasing its rate of spin."
Next week, the scientists will fire the collected works of René Magritte and the Holy Bible together. "We're hoping to find the Christ on a bike particle"
N.B. Joints submission with Waylandsmithy.
