In a remarkable gesture of public reconcilation, David Miliband has held out a political-life saving olive branch to "[his] pasty faced back-stabbing" younger sibling. A cutting edge surgical procedure, similar to bone-marrow transplant, was scheduled to take place immediately after the "Applaud Now FFS!' and 'Do you want to stay in opposition for ever? Smile!' idiot boards were lowered at the end of Ed's keynote speech at Labour's conference today.
Just 2% of David's charisma will be extracted and then injected into the thoracic region of Ed's carotid artery. From there it will make its way to the sincerity-core of the frontal lobe, vocal chords and, most importantly, facial expression muscles.
Profesor Harriet Turner, of the National Hospital for Neurology, was cautiously optimistic when discussing the procedure today, "Under normal circumstances we could harvest 5 or even 10% of donor-charisma but the bar at the recipient end is set a little low in this case and that sort of increase in social functioning and communication skill-set might well prove too much to handle."
Arboreal Ed has thus far made no comment on the issue. Or at least not one that anyone can remember. Brother David was relaxed though, when I spoke with him this afternoon "Look, 2% to me is neither here nor there but I recognise that it will make a huge difference for Ed and for the party." Reflecting on the much publicised sibling rivalry of the past two years he went on "Look, I'm not saying that Ed's cynical betrayal of all that we once held dear did not affect me deeply, but a week is a long time in politics. And I don't just mean how long one of Ed's speeches seems to last! You won't print that last bit will you?"
"And look, if it doesn't work out or, heaven forefend, something goes wrong with the operation, then the party may well be looking for a new leader by this time next year. Someone say, who doesn't hold a grudge over past betrayals and remains steadfast in the face of unreasonable adversity. Any suggestions?"