In a major pre election policy speech, the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has unveiled plans for an amnesty for everyone ‘afflicted’ with what he described as a ‘socially challenged' or 'chav name’. Speaking in Basildon, Mr Brown said that the election pledge underlined Labour’s aspirational ambitions for Britain and would ‘remove millions of young people from the scourge of name poverty’.
Labour strategists, having discovered a correlation between that society’s underachievers and appalling Christian names, see the move as a real vote winner, with one expert excitedly promising that Labour ‘will de-albatross an entire generation of their transiently fashionable names.’
Although Whitehall officials are understood to be already compiling a list of unacceptable names, it is expected that people will be able to nominate names for inclusion on a shame and name website.
Home office draft plans allow anyone under the age of 25 with a chavy Christian name to change their name free of charge. To ease administration, the amnesty will be carried out in 3 tranches starting with female names A – K (Ashleigh to Kelsey), then L – P (Leah to Paige) and finally S – Z (Stacey to Zoe). Male names would be addressed at a later stage but special consideration will be given to needy cases such as Deano, Dexter or Tyler.
17 year old Cortnee Briggs was enthusiastic about the proposals ‘I’m definitely going to change my name to something more classy like Leanne or Paris.’ adding ‘but if I don’t get on with it, I can always change it for free again, like perhaps to Trixie.’
Tory insiders have condemned the announcement as ‘dumbing up’ and ‘blatant vote buying’ but calls for their party leadership to counter the proposal with an elite name amnesty have so far been rejected by the opposition spokesman, Peregrine Anstruther.