Britain's beleaguered airline passengers are facing a new initiative from next month, that will ensure flying remains as disquieting as ever.
In an effort to stop terrorists from smuggling yoghurts and other banned items inside their clothes, UK passengers will now have to wear leotards for all international flights. Fat or large-breasted flyers will be made to jiggle up and down at the scanners.
"Terrorists hate being humiliated", explained Mark Cornell, an airport psychologist. "If they know we're daubing the groin of every fifth passenger with custard, they're going to think twice before martyring themselves."
Consumer rights groups condemned the new regime, claiming it's even more intrusive than x-rays that show passengers naked. "Obviously, the nuddy images of our customers need to be handled sensitively", said Cornell, soothingly. "That's why we're now blurring out their names before we upload them to YouTube".