Daily Express owner Richard Desmond will launch a new lottery today, with strong links to mental health charities. Approximately 100% of ticket sales are expected to go to morons.
Desmond has a long history of identifying mental problems, and has published many, many papers appealing to sufferers. "Some of my work has been truly ground-breaking", he explained. "I've really tapped into the tapped. My experiment with repeating the same story about a dead princess every week for 14 years has been particularly fruitful."
The lottery will help identify card-carrying cretins in newsagents up and down the country. "Buying my paper can be a clue that something isn't working quite right 'up there'. But sometimes, you need a second opinion. Are you experiencing clammy hands and a quickening pulse as you clutch a lottery ticket in front of the telly? That's a classic symptom of fist-gnawing stupidity", said Desmond.
The lottery draw will be shown live on channels that are popular amongst the mentally sprained. "Channel 5 is a natural choice for us", Desmond announced. "Big Brother has really boosted the audience figures amongst people too stupid to blink, and they're just the people we want to help by taking a quid off them."
Every ticket sold is guaranteed to win, a feature that is expected to appeal to the clonky-minded. "The live draw will show a premium rate phone number which the winners can call to claim their 20 pence prize", enthused Desmond. "That way, we're putting 20% of our profits straight into the hands of the people that need our help the most."
Health charities are opposed to the lottery. Dr Graham Twinnock of the stupidity charity MINDLESS fears that instead of promoting the plight of the slight-headed, Desmond is actually exploiting them.
"I phoned Desmond and told him that exposing gullible people in public for profit is morally wrong. But he claimed they enjoy getting involved and that in any case, he sold his porn business years ago."