Ed Miliband will take on the mantle of political chameleon in a closing speech to the party conference later this week by adapting the colour of his skin to appeal to all shades of the electorate.
Keen to shake off the tag of ‘Red Ed’, Miliband’s performance will leave his critics grasping for labels such as Sometimes Red, Sometimes Blue, Sometimes A Daring Combination of Crimson, Violet and Magenta ‘Ed’.
In a break with the New Labour years, Miliband will dispense with the carefully choreographed style of recent conferences by scaling a specially erected dead tree stump using his prehensile tail. From this high vantage point the Labour leader is expected to use his stereoscopic vision to survey the entire political landscape.
Miliband’s extraordinary abilities were first highlighted last year in a speech to the TUC where the Labour leader used his tongue – itself a complex arrangement of bone, muscle and sinew - to catch, at lightning speed, a fly which had been plaguing Neil Kinnock’s bald patch.
And Conference can expect a dazzling light show as Miliband alternates in hue from blue to red when attacking vested interests such as unions and irresponsible bankers respectively. Asked if there was any room for a coalition with the Liberal Democrats, party delegate, Derek Simpson, said ‘You’ve obviously never seen Ed do yellow . ’
Later, in what is likely to be seen as an olive branch to environmentalists, Miliband will set out his credentials by turning a vivid shade of green as he warns of the danger of over-reliance on nuclear power, but the green should pulsate and become tinged with blue when he reads out a moving letter from a six year-old girl who was attacked on her way home from school by a wind turbine.
Summing up, he will add:
“Let me tell you what the 21st Century choice is : are you on the side of those whose narrow vision allows them to focus solely on one object at a time or are you on the side of those who can rotate and focus their pinhole-like eyes separately to observe two different objects simultaneously. “
Miliband, however, is not alone in his unique talents amongst the party hierarchy. Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls’ influence is thought to stem from his ability to fill his chin with air so that it expands to three times its normal size and emits a heavy ‘croak’. Balls is known to reserve his ‘party trick’ for the damp conference ante rooms where food sources are plentiful.
Former Secretary of State For Trade And Industry, Margaret Beckett, said the experience left her feeling ‘moist’.