International health experts have issues a joint warning at the highest level of an imminent attach of the quantitative sneezing virus.
“The dangers are greatest in the developed west” a spokesman said. “ Key symptoms of this deadly virus are sneezing, wheezing and a general weakness brought on by the debilitating hemorrhaging of assets and economic vitality. The population at large should take active steps to avoid contagion as a matter of urgency.”
In a controversial move politicians have got involved in this health debate, prescribing retail therapy for sufferers. They have recommended shopping trips, visits to the opera, adventurous holiday in the UK and even participation in extreme sports. Doctors are furious at this incursion into their speciality and have advised the public to take no notice of these unorthodox and potentially dangerous suggestions.
“This virus is very poorly understood” say leading researchers. “Despite attacks by closely related viruses in the last few years we are little further forward in understanding how this particular mutation works. Bred as it is in foetid meeting rooms late at night by exhausted delegates charged with miracle working its DNA is remarkably convoluted. We are doing everything we can to understand its workings but so far they remain impenetrable.”
Health experts point out that the quantitative sneezing virus has a marked age skew in its effects. While young adults appear superficially to suffer relatively little, at least in the short term, those in the second half of life are expected to be devastated by its effects, despite their efforts over decades to build up a cushion of resistance.
The only group predicted to be completely immune to the pandemic are the banking and financial sector. In a bizarre turn of events they have actively welcomed the disease, which they insist on calling “ quantitative pleasing”. Strangely the virus only makes this group stronger, building their immunity and strength with every exposure. Doctors are at a loss to explain this and are making preliminary bids to fund a research programme to develop a vaccine from the DNA of members of the banking sector as a matter of urgency.