Normally unflappable Dr Christian Jessen’s silky consulting skills were tested to their fullest today as his mother surprised him by guesting on his no-holds-barred medical show.
Normally a showcase for fame-hungry hotties with non-industry-standard erogenous zones, the show does occasionally feature older people whose intimate areas, be it from atrophy or wear and tear, have gone off.
“I didn’t want to bother him at home” explained Mrs Maud Jessen (70), afterwards, so when his award-winning telly clinic roared into my home town I thought: why not?”
But Mrs Jessen didn’t get quite the warm reception she’d anticipated. “He’s usually such a polite lad, but I was surprised by his consulting style. Maybe it was all the cameras, but he just clammed up and looked very strange as soon as I started explaining about my thick smelly discharge.”
Mrs Jessen went on: “It took him such a long time to croak out his reassuring catchphrase: ‘let’s take a look, then, shall we?’ So I said ‘are you all right dear?’ as I took my slacks and knickers off, hopped on the couch and pulled my knees up. I said to him, I said, ‘It used to be me looking down at you like this, didn’t it!’ I think he wanted to laugh but he had to be professional with all the cameras there. But he did dash out of the room for a moment, probably to have a good chuckle.”
Probed for more detail, Mrs Jessen revealed: “I felt he’d need to know whether the thick smelly discharge was affecting my, you know, relations with his dad and it was nice to be able to reassure Christian that everything was wonderful in that department. In fact, as I explained, it’s a jolly good scratch right now. Well, by this time Christian had flattened himself against the wall and seemed to be struggling for air.”
Mrs Jessen was unsure whether she would consult her son again. “His manner wasn’t the best, if I’m honest. I mean, instead of showing me out like a proper doctor, he ran off down the corridor screaming ‘Doctor Pixie! Doctor Pixie, Oh, Sweet Lord where ARE you Doctor Pixie?’ Honestly. I know he’s a bit, you know, special but I didn’t realise he was away with the fairies.”