Lap dance club owner Peter Strongfellow has slammed Ed Miliband's stated intention to cut University Tuition fees as "ill conceived and barely thought through", claiming it could "wreak havoc across national recruitment drives".
Clad all too sparsely in tiger skin and latex, the nonagenarian was joined by Prada and Chenille, two of his executive performers, in a bid to raise awareness of the dire implications for their profession.
Prada, a 22 year old curvaceous, pert, pencil-skirted, bespectacled horn-bucket,claimed that "a significant modal percentage of my colleagues are impoverished undergraduates, looking for a non-penetrative means of leveraging their congenital visual attributes to liquidate equity". Whatever it meant, it was a joy to see her say it, particularly when she wiggled her emphasis and blew a pouty kiss at the end of equity.
Turning to Chenille, Mr Strongfellow explained that both girls were students at Lampeter University and had led a recruitment drive in Freshers Week. Chenille, a 19year old brunette medical student with fantastic elocution, shimmered towards your reporter and explained that whilst the financial rewards were her primary motivating factor, she had encountered a large number of situations with direct relevance to many parts of her course. As she began to discuss her study material for a research project into geriatric male impotence, Mr Strongfellow hurriedly called the attention of the press conference back to himself.
"The message we ned to get across, and I want to be absolutely clear, is this nation faces a stark choice. Whilst the Coalition policy is currently ensuring that we can all get our jollies gazing at gyrating posh-totty, if Labour have their way, in just a couple of years we could be stuck trying to stuff a fiver down Vera Duckworth's auntie's bra. Britain needs to think of its future, its industry and employers competing on a world stage. Let me tell you, I can't hold off the Czechs without impoverished students in my locker. If you want a saggy-titted, boss-eyed, spavinned, work-shy Manc scum-bucket shaking her jubblies at you, then vote Labour.