Political activists Labour have put a bee in the bonnet of hat shops this week by announcing that if they were in charge, they would pledge a free baseball cap for all students applying to courses with the maximum £9000 fee in place.
‘Students are currently facing hard times’, said Ed Miliband, whose in-built sun-guarding quiff and eyebrow combination would make him ineligible to receive the free hat. ‘The least we can do is provide a complimentary cap for students who might otherwise be blinded by the glittering riches they watch go past.’ The cap will, however, have to be returned by those that earn over £65,000 a year. Miliband admitted that the first plan had been to provide a balaclava but noted that many students had already owned one since the coalition took power.
The NUS immediately donned it's Campaign hat, claiming Miliband was just looking to ‘capitalise’ on current unrest. ‘This is nothing short of mockery. The little sun the Government does provide in Britain doesn't make owning a peaky (baseball) cap worthwhile, especially not once you've paid the national insurance to cover your head in case it blows away.’
Hat shop owners countrywide are brimming with anger. ‘We're already in the maximum tax hair band and this move will force us to pass the hat to stay afloat. We depend on the sale of our coveted thinking caps to students.’ Would-be student G. Birtwhistle claimed he had mixed feelings on the matter. ‘Where is the money for the caps coming from? My 4 year Batchelor's degree in hat-making won't be worthwhile if all the hat shops are forced to close due to the increased corporate taxation required to fund the caps.’
David Cameron, who secretly thinks it's a great idea but won't admit it, reacted cagily. ‘If they’re not up to something, I’ll eat my hat. The next election is years away, but they've already started the game. Well, I've got something up my sleeve.’ When pressed further he revealed little. ‘I don't want to give too much away, but think Tommy Cooper.’ Nick Clegg, wearer of many hats, was unavailable for comment, as it was his turn (again) to sit in the corner wearing the dunce cap.
Whilst a shift of policy may be on the horizon, we currently can’t see it due to the glare. So for now we'll have to stick to the so-called Caps-Lock situation.