Upon hearing Vladimir Putin is to again run for the Kremlin, US Republican candidate, Michele Bachmann, today withdrew from the 2012 White House race because 'all that Brokeback schtick he does makes me retch'. Citing qualms over official protocol requirements, the Tea Party darling said it would be impossible for her to shake the hand of a man with such a 'suspiciously honed torso and love of brooding machismo imagery'.
Speaking from her life choice counselling centre in Minneapolis, where known homosexuals are rubbed down with steaks and encouraged to scratch their balls in front of Top Gear, a tearful Bachmann explained why she had ditched her challenge: "I am not a judgmental person," she told reporters whilst injecting a passing lesbian with Bromide. "But all those bare-chested horse rides and phallic gun pictures make me want to chunder. After the one in the tank I prayed for Vladimir and for a while I thought that had worked. This week I see he's back in the biker gear."
Bachmann, who has won praise for preventing mental retardation in teenage girls through her local 'Cash for crossed legs' programmes, added that her fully certified therapists were ready with a rib eye and hymn any time Putin wanted to visit. Mr Putin's spokesman refused to comment, however, although he indicated that the news would not interrupt the current Russian prime minister's 'weekend of naked judo with the chaps'.