World economists were left red-faced today following the publication of a New York Post investigation that reveals the true cause of the 2007 financial crash.
According to the 200 page document, the blame has been wrongly placed at the feet of the world’s financial institutions and at the widely publicized housing market problems. Instead, the New York Post’s crack team have revealed that “fat people ate the money”.
According to the investigation, 2006 saw the American and English obesity epidemic spiral out of control as overweight individuals became lazier and lazier in their preparation of food. Even take-away outlets began to suffer as picking up the phone to order had apparently become “too much effort”.
It wasn’t long before the inevitable happened and they began to eat their own money. FBI agent Roger Cole remembers the moment his organisation realised what was going on, “It was late 2006 and we were hearing rumblings of the economy being in trouble, we were getting panicked reports from bankers all over the US who couldn’t understand where the money had gone. Then the breakthrough came, my colleague Agent Foster and I were taking a break in a coffee shop when I noticed a blimp-like gentleman across the room eating what first appeared to be potato chips, on closer inspection they were one dollar notes. After that day the reports started to tumble in, ‘chunky eating coins like mintos’, ‘fatso eating credit cards as a cracker substitute’, it was all happening.”
“We knew we had to act fast, so we did the only sensible thing. We moved the world’s population of fat people to a mountain prison in the hills of Morocco”.
With the fat people out the way, and with FBI agents covering for their absence in fat suits, the world’s economy began to recover. That is until the decision was made last month to close the Moroccan prison and release the fatties. With the chubsters back, the world now faces the threat of a double dip recession as it remains to be seen if the world’s governments can find a more permanent solution to the money munchies.
