Prompted by the recent World Athletics Championship debacle, when popular favourite Usain Bolt was disqualified from the 100 metre final after a false start, Chairman of the London Olympic Committee Lord Coe has moved to alleviate sponsors' fears of a disappointing result in 2012.
Elite athletes have now been 'guaranteed to leave London 2012 with at least one Gold'.
In 1980, the highly fancied celebrity model Seb Coe ('Sebastian' was considered to be just a little 'too gay' at the time)missed out on a widely expected 800 metre Olympic Gold, mainly because the USA team boycotted the games and another British athlete, Steve Ovett, unforgivably forgot to slow down in time. This is thought to have rankled with Coe for the last thirty years and provided his motivation for the surprise announcement.
"Clearly, Bolt is the fastest man on the planet over 100 and 200 metres." the Moscow Silver medallist and failed politician (the now) Lord Coe said at a press conference today "It would be a tragedy if he didn't pick up the Gold Gong at London, simply because he cheated by starting before the others. Or didn't run as fast as some other less bankable,less attractive, less photogenic runner who just happened to get lucky on the day. Someone who, say, let themselves go after retiring from athletics and became a fat fuck (no offence Brendan). Someone who didn't then go on to become a Peer of the Realm. Peer of the Realm! Ermine robe! The whole deal! How do you like them apples Ovett?"