The Daily Mail faces a crisis as the weight of being constantly angry threatens to rip through the blackened, embittered heart of Middle-England. As a result, the paper is giving away a series of free gifts designed to promote chagrin and bile, as well as enabling current readers to express their vehemence more easily. The gifts will be released every week beginning with ‘Indignant Face-Paint’ which, when applied to the face, bestows the wearer with the appearance of several years of hypertension, moderate alcohol abuse and the promise of a lifelong relationship with gout. Most importantly, it allows the wearer to look permanently incensed, thus rendering ostentatious displays of mild irritation effortless yet none the less effective.
The second gift to be bestowed is a container of ‘Dignified Shine’ – a polish which imbues a regal gloss when applied to any head rendered bald by years of complaining about tax-dodgers, immigrants and Guardian readers. The resulting sheen will be reflective enough to blind any disease-ridden, knife wielding, sexual predator brave enough to step out of the murk. Other gifts include a pocket megaphone making it easier to interject and talk over people, as well as a ‘Golfer’s Knee’ to provide physical pain when having to do something that someone else didn’t because ‘they are just too lazy; this country is going to the bloody dogs!’
Members of the readership have contacted the paper’s editor expressing concern that the paper is softening and selling out. ‘I’ve had to work bloody hard to be this angry,’ wrote Mrs. J Asquith of Berkshire, ‘and I feel outraged by the notion that this is to be made easier!’ There is also concern that if readers no longer have to exert so much energy being actively disgruntled, then they may actually become happy. ‘It spells the end, I’m afraid,’ states leading Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn, ‘we’ve been testing them in the office and I have to say I’ve spent more time thinking about nice things; I haven’t looked at the BNP website for days, and I quite enjoyed listening to the plaintive accordion-playing of Agron, an Albanian chap who busks outside our office every night so that he can pay for his mother’s health care back in Albania.’
Regardless, the Mail has decided to proceed with the programme, as it is concerned that readers may eventually give up being irate as there is simply ‘too much to be angry about’. The gifts will be given away every Saturday along with a free DVD serializing Birds of a Feather, and a collection of ‘Magic Eye’ pictures depicting ‘Great Moments in British History’ including the ‘D-Day Landings’, the ‘Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II’ and the ‘Crushing of the Unions’.