Tesco CEO Sir Terry Leahy has announced that, after completing the acquisition of the Co-Op and the Happy Garden Chinese takeaway in Bromsgrove, it now owns every fucking thing in the whole fucking country. And, he added, it was taunting by City analysts that first spurred the supermarket chain on to its buying spree.
'A few years ago, when it emerged that £1 out of every £8 spent on groceries in the UK was in Tesco, I said at an investor presentation that left £7 to go for and the Essex boys in the banks fucking smirked at me,' said Leahy. 'So I thought to myself 'Right, you fuckers' and decided not just to take over the entire fucking food chain but every other fucking thing as well'.
Some thought that Tesco's might be sated after three months in which it acquired Homebase, Toyota's UK operations, Boot's, Asda, the Blue Cross charity shop and funkypigeon.com, but it dug deep to buy Sainsbury's too. 'It was fucking expensive,' admitted Leahy, 'but we got an interest-free loan off Tesco Bank and covered ourselves with a fuck of a good deal via Tesco's Insurance. The Monopolies Commission did start sniffing round at one point, so we said 'Fuck that for a game of soldiers' and bought them too.'
Retail analysts have argued that Tesco has grown by using its immense buying power to reduce prices and drive customer loyalty. However, Leahy has now confirmed that this view is 'bollocks' and that the company's sole motivation was to own every fucking thing and wave its massive schlong in the face of every fucking one. He also declined to comment on rumours that Tesco does not yet own a three-year-old border terrier called Monty that was recently seen cocking its leg on a Tesco trolley.
'Buying power? We don't have to buy ANY fucking thing because we own EVERY fucking thing, don't you get it?' he said. 'So what are you going to do? Demonstrate? That's fine with us, we own all three placard makers in Britain. Or e-mail your complaints to your MP? Tough titty, we own Hewlett Packard, Dell and BT too. And your MP. Actually, we always owned the fucking MP, come to think of it.'