A team of paramedics from Bristol have been suspended after reportedly selling ice cream from their ambulance. If found guilty they face a rocky road, and could see their incomes frozen.
"Our suspicions were first raised when the team arrived at a major pile-up on the M5, playing Greensleeves instead of the normal woowoos", explained Inspector Phillips, heading the investigation. "For some reason, most of the cars moved out their way anyway: we think they might have pulled over to look for change. The crew certainly got there lickety split."
The ambulance features a number of unapproved modifications, including a Mr Whippy machine where the defibrilator should be, and a crudely-drawn duck on the bonnet that blatantly infringes Disney copyright. "The window tinting has been torn off one side so patients can see the lolly pictures and they've written jokes on the tongue compressors. I don't know how they were expecting to treat people in an emergency: there's not many medical situations where oxygen is less helpful than a warm can of Top Deck."
The crew were traced driving slowly to emergencies, past an unusually large number of primary schools. "They're claimed that it was good for publicity, and even handed out cards advertising our emergency service. But we'd like to make it quite clear you shouldn't phone 999 just because it's a hot day."
It's not only response times that have been put in jeopardy. One woman was lucky to survive after she was accidentally given 2 pints of raspberry syrup intravenously: "It's incredibly reckless to store ice-cream toppings in the blood cupboard. Fortunately the lady in question survived, but she's sueing us for hundreds and thousands."
(It's a bit scrappy, and I'm sure someone must have done this before? Can't find any evidence of it, so I thought I'd bang it up anyway)