The mystery teenager who walked out of a German forest last week having apparently spent the last five years living there with his father is being treated for acute brand deprivation, a Foreign Office spokesman confirmed today. German doctors initially pronounced the boy, who goes by the name of Ray, to be in remarkably good health, but a British doctor flown to Berlin by the Foreign Office diagnosed the youth with dangerously low levels of brand awareness and a laughably outdated sense of fashion.
Describing the hopelessly uncool teenager as one of the worst cases of brand deprivation he had ever seen, Dr. Trent Oglesby said that "Although outwardly Ray looks fine, there's a whole area of his brain that's almost completely undeveloped. Unless he's treated with a carefully balanced course of junk food, sportswear and video game advertising, he may never be able to reintegrate successfully with his peer group. This is clearly a crucial time for him."
Initial tests revealed that the boy, whose dress sense was described by one source close to the case as 'almost unbelievably crap', could not tell the difference between a generic Marks & Spencer woolen jumper and an über-cool 'Bathing Ape' hoodie. "Incredibly, Ray saw them as basically the same item of clothing. Though he did remark that the jumper might be warmer in the long winter nights he experienced in the forest . . . Like, whatever."
Outdoor goods brand The North Face and energy drink maker Red Bull are said to be interested in helping Ray readjust to life back in the UK with a lucrative sponsorship deal. "With the loss of his father, Ray will need a lifestyle especially rich in branded goods. These sponsorships are going to be a great start," Tweeted Dr. Oglesby.