"They can chuck us around a bar when they're showing off to the sheilas but when it comes to the bit they're just beery old tossers," said Dwarf captain Tiny Thompson yesterday as his team savoured the joy of victory over England's sad, out-of-condition rugby representatives at Wellington Park.
The Dwarf XV, known as "scrum-halves with attitude" tore into England from the start of the World Cup group match with winger Midge Mellis twice nutmegging England captain Mike Tindall with soccer-style dribbling before handing off to Pint Parker for the first try after only five minutes on the clock.
England's stars were chasing little shadows and despite a mass substitution by coach Martin Johnson at half-time the humiliation continued with Dwarf Nation running in ten tries. None of the tries was converted - "We don't do conversions. The ball's too heavy and our feet are too small. You have a problem with that?" said captain Thompson.
Martin Johnson was unabashed in defeat. "So what? England rugby guys like beer. Big news. I'm pissed right now to be honest. It's cool. We're sure to pick up points against the Cassowary Birds XV next Wednesday. They say they'll give us a kicking. We'll shee about that. Cheers. Burp."