Incensed at the frequency with which wanking and being self-indulgent are linked, seasoned masturbator Norman Standstill of Kent is launching a campaign hoping to improve the image of wankers like him.
"Often I keep little pictures around me that remind me of serious issues, maybe starving children or homeless people, so I can stay grounded in reality. Sometimes I use my free hand to do a little vacumning or write letters to my mother. And I rarely take more than five minutes."
A colleague confirmed Standstill's no nonsense attitude to knocking one out. "We'll be in the middle of a task and he'll say "Hang on guys, I've got a date with Mrs Palmer. Goes to the loo, in he goes, out he comes, ready to work. And for the rest of the day when a client offers to shake hands, he says "No, better not, I've been strangling the ol' trouser sausage." They appreciate his candor."
Even his wife is appreciative with her husband's open and considerate approach to the sin of Onan. "Usually he'll ask me at breakfast if I think I might feel like making love that night and he'll ask again when he gets home and if I say no, he waits till the kids are in bed and all the dishes are done and in he pops to the loo. I knew he was the man for me on our first date. We went back to his place and he disappeared into the toilet for a very long time. I called out "What are you doing in there?" He said "Wanking." I knew he was a keeper because you just don't find that kind of honesty. It was kind of flattering too."