A gang known as ‘The City Boys’ are believed to be behind a looting spree in the City of London where UBS, a Swiss based bank suffered a $2billion loss after criminal elements went on the rampage. Members of the public looked on in horror as smartly dressed thugs sat at their desks, clicking on their computer screens and making loud phone calls, often to more than one person at the same time. “Clearly social networks were to blame” said one uninformed hack, desperately looking for a handle on the story to grab hold of before her slot on News 24 or deadline for a column came up.
Police said that they will take a firm line with the looters and have already arrested a 31-year old trader at UBS in connection with rogue trading. “If found guilty he could spend several months in an open prison” said one lawyer. “No restaurants, no champagne, it’s really quite serious”. The story is reminiscent of rogue trader Nick Leeson who brought down Barings’ Bank in 1995, or that of the rogue trader Jerome Kerviel at Societe Generale bank who lost $7 billion in 2008,although one banking security expert is reported as saying “Of course we have learnt a lot of lessons since then, it could never happen again.”
This is not the first time that The City has seen naked thieving and greed run rampant. One spree went on for most of the first decade of the 21st century and only ended once “The City Boys” had finally robbed the system dry and pissed it all up the wall on Champagne, Sports cars, property, expensive whores and Cocaine. Learning a valuable lesson from this experience, the banks subsequently refused to lend relatively small amounts of money in the thousands of pounds range to small businesses and young people wanting to buy their first house, thus causing the collapse of many companies and helping to deflate the massive property price bubble that they had created in the first place by offering cheap money to any dead beat who could dribble in the right place on a loan arrangement form. Meanwhile as the government poured the taxpaying public’s hard earned cash down a massive funnel into the banking system’s coffers, the broken back door remained unfixed and “The City Boys” clearly resumed their rampage relatively uninterrupted, spurred on by massive bonuses earned for robbing even more cash from the system.
UBS have said that they will take the loss, but then they likely burst out laughing until the urine ran down the legs of hand tailored suits because they have the option off upping fees and rates for their customers to cover this fiddling small change over the next year.