In an extraordinary and unprecedented speech to the house of commons today the Minster for health, Andrew Lansley, has admitted that since the start of his administration the NHS has been run as a multi billion pound Placebo. All prescriptions that have been given out during his time in charge have simply been differently coloured sugar tablets, diagnosis's had been prepared in advance and chosen at random and most of the nurses running around busy hospitals were just actors, often without even a basic first aid training.
'There has been pressure for cuts ever since we took over this administration,' explained Mr Lansley, 'actually attempting to cure ailments was simply not cost effective and research showed that placebos had a success rate not far short of conventional medicine, so we took that route. Lying about things to make people feel better was how we got in in the first place, so it wasn't a difficult choice.'
Mr Lansley's shock admission has, so far, been received surprisingly well by the general populous. Darren Osborne, who's Nan had been recently treated by the NHS, had nothing but admiration for the new set-up;
'She was admitted with a broken Hip three weeks ago,' he said, 'We were surprised at the time that she was treated so quickly, within an hour she was leaving the hospital clutching a big red pill with 'broken hip repair, NHS' carved into it. Last week she entered the marathon, extraordinary. Although thinking about it I've not seen her since.'
There is also another twist in the tale; the NHS is now able to manufacture its own pills with their own logo carved into each one but this has led to a further issue, A black market has sprung up for counterfeit NHS goods, offering people the opportunity to avoid the NHS's generic six month waiting time.
'the copies are generally of a very good standard, although they have trouble with the flourish on the end of the S,' explained Don Sturgeon head of NHS procurement, 'It is important for members of the public to fully examine any tablets they receive as black market products obviously won't have the same healing nature as a genuine NHS Placebo.'
A government Quango has been set up to look carefully into the results so far of this massive change to the NHS, or possibly to just sit in a room and pretend to. Either way results are expected early next year.