In a rare show of recognition, David Cameron offered his thanks and praise to thousands of cowardly servicemen who are traditionally ignored by those praising the forces.
‘For too long, politicians have focussed only on brave men and women who fight the enemy face to face,’ said the Tory leader. ‘We should be more honest and recognise that without all of the efficient but cowardly soldier back at the base, these heroic boys and girls would have nothing to eat and their guns wouldn’t work.’
Quartermaster Simon Bronson was delighted by the praise. ‘I’ve been working for 18 years in the stores, making sure everyone’s got the right kit. Quite frankly, I’m shit scared of guns and even loud bangs make me jump. It’s great to see that David Cameron realises that people like me are essential to the armed forces. I mean, what use is a soldier in his underpants, armed with only a stick? That’s all the army would amount to if it wasn’t for scaredy-cats like me, working hard in a nice warm base with a mug of tea by our sides.’