In research undertaken by the British Medical Association a link between driving a BMW and erectile dysfunction has been positively identified. It is estimated that the condition affects more than 95% of male BMW drivers after tests were undertaken on a sample of 10,000 UK men between the ages of 30 and 65.
Head of the study group, Marcus Johnson said, “I first became aware of the phenomenon when two of my BMW driving colleagues expressed a downturn in their sexual prowess. However, once behind the wheel of their Series 5’s, X1’s or Z4’s they expressed ‘absolute orgasmic’ pleasure at sitting on the arse of the car in front and overtaking in inappropriate circumstances.”
Johnson expanded his research to include men from other employment groups, such as insurance men; banking professionals and chartered surveyors. He noted that orgasmic reactions were higher when driving black BMW’s rather than white models where the ‘vinegar stroke’ ratio was almost 10% lower. “Interestingly drivers of any BMW model with the word Coupé in the name became total ‘flat-liners’ after walking away from the car and applying the central locking system. “The sound of the locks coupled with the flashing security lights was more effective than an overdose of bromide.”
The research has indicated a psychosomatic reaction between the driver and the vehicle with social and behavioural factors affecting bodily processes. “In layman’s terms these guys just can’t get it up once they are out of the driver’s seat.”
Treatments are now being studied with the power of suggestion through positive thinking being the likely way forward. “In our carefully controlled arousal tests we used images of Pippa Middleton’s arse; Beyoncé’s shaking tush and a selection of MILF’s including Lulu, Twiggy and Harriet Harman but all to no avail. However when extreme close ups of rear bumpers were projected on to the screen in the BMW simulator it almost put our laboratory out of Kleenex.” Random images of Jeremy Clarkson also produced a similar outcome.
As tests continue female BMW drivers are also coming under scrutiny, so far results have shown a predilection for lank blonde hair, pin stripe trouser suits and permanent use of a mobile phone at speeds of over 60mph.
Johnson concluded, “If we can identify the adverse biological and psychological effects related to driving a BMW, then perhaps other road users will be spared the misfortune of having a sweaty faced individual sitting on their arses in search of sexual gratification.”
