A team of research scientists at Bradford University have finally developed a high-resolution thermal imaging sensor that can accurately tell if a sexual partner is faking her regular Friday night orgasm or whether the spouse really is performing like a corn-fed yard dog on viagra .
The technology utilises a suite of algorithms that can monitor tiny changes in facial expressions...ranging from minute flushing around the eyes to a full-on barf and the offloading of last night’s dodgy kebab.
Experts have long held the theory that a few glasses of port ‘n lemon and a takeaway curry from the Star of Bengal is no longer enough to stir the ‘good lady wife’ into a high state of sexual arousal and a more sophisticated seductive technique is now required by her leery, dog-breath spouse if he is to ‘butter the muffin’ when they get home.
The sensor is so sensitive it can also tell the difference between truth and lies on a husbands face, enabling the wife to tell whether it’s the 10 pints of Ruddles he put away down at the Dog and Donkey or whether he really is enjoying the oral sex she finally coaxed him into performing.
The system builds on years of research and is able to calculate within a few percentage points just how many men would rather be shagging the wife’s sister ...or in some highly sensitive cases...the wife’s mother.
So far, the team has only tested the lie detector on willing volunteers but there are plans for the test to be made compulsory for all men who claim they can go 5 whole minutes of erotic foreplay before falling asleep in a drunken stupor and dribbling all over the lady’s ‘bearded oyster’.
The system is set to replace the venereal polygraph, first developed back in 1921 to establish whether a wayward husband had just come home with a dose of the clap or he really had only been having his genitals beaten with a bunch of stinging nettles by the lads from the rugby club.
Although the lie detector is primarily designed to detect emotions such as distress, distrust and fear during the interrogation of terrorist suspects it may also help men here in the UK to finally face up to the difference between millimetres and inches....something that has so far eluded even the most enthusiastic Europhiles - despite over 40 years of metrication and those Swedish porn movies you keep in a box at the back of the wardrobe.
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‘Fake orgasm detector is almost there’ say boffins
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Gerontius
offlineMemberPosted 1 year ago # -
thisisall1word
offlineMemberI was thinking something along the lines of boffins claiming that the detector was nearly there...
"We're nearly there, we're really getting close now, this is some of the best science ever, we just need one final push and we'll be there, this projects just really punished us with it's deep maths and mind blowing appliance of practical physics, the production of the final prototype was hard, really hard, some of the hardest prototypes I've ever had"...etc...
Posted 1 year ago #
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