RSPCA officials working with the police uncovered a secret Jason Statham farm yesterday, in the Welsh border town of Wrexham.
Over two hundred Jason Statham's were taken into care, and several had to be humanely destroyed. The shaven-headed clones of the actor had only cheap suits or cotton vests to protect them from the elements, and stared emotionlessly around as police examined the tiny site.
"Stathams traditionally require only the meagrest of plots to survive. But keeping them this far from their natural London underworld is really confusing for them", said Mr Green, the RSPCA's head of investigations. "We've been trying to get them to safety, but whenever you put one in a vehicle, it just flips over and bursts into flames."
Officers weren't prepared for what they found next. "We pulled down some corrugated iron, and behind it there was a tiny, fetid caravan. Inside, a queen Statham was chained to a gas bottle, fed intravenously on a diet of raw eggs and kitkats. This creature was squitting out tiny Jason's at the rate of four an hour. They were unclothed, barely coherent, rolling around in sticky, red filth and striking out at anyone who came near them. Just like in all his fucking films."
At first, the investigators were at a loss to explain why so many Stathams were being produced. "The evidence was in a filing cabinet. The farm has been shipping their livestock, in two barrels at a time, to film studios across the world. Veal Statham's are much cheaper than special effects, they just shoot them on set, literally. Or crash them into mountains, or pump them full of barely thought-out drugs. To the film industry, they're completely expendable."
The RSPCA has condemned the practice of intensively farming Stathams. "It's not particularly cruel to the creatures themselves. They're not capable of expressing emotions and are, by and large, thick cunts. It's the cinema-goers we're worried about."