EU Council officials' decision to extend copyright on sound recordings by a further 20 years was strongly influenced by Sir Cliff Richard's solemn promise to "never go near another recording studio, if you do this for me", it transpired today.
Without the guaranteed income, the prehistoric crooner had been threatening "to make another record. And do a European tour. And probably a tv show. Who knows - this could put me back on Centre Court. Anything's possible."
The copyright extension means Richard can now afford the complex medical reconstructive therapy he so needs. "It's brilliant news, added the world-weary warbler. "If the decision had gone the other way, I might have simply retired by the sea and slowly crumbled into it."