Porridge reboot planned
TV executives are excited about a planned reboot of the iconic prison-based sitcom Porridge. They say that the format is even more relevant in 2025 and can include themes of spending cuts, early prisoner releases, and administrative incompetence. There is no news on casting, but we have obtained a first draft of the opening monologue: ‘Norman Stanley Kebatu, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habi
Defendants claim President Macron is really a lowland gorilla
Ten people have gone on trial in Paris this week for claiming that the French President Emmanuel Macron is really a lowland silverback gorilla. Conspiracy theorists point to the bushiness of his opposable thumbs and the thickness of his eyebrows. A video of Macron using a straw to scrape out a yoghurt pot went viral after people said it was just like the famous video filmed by the late naturalist Jane Goodall which showed a silverback using a blade of grass to scoop out ants
One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals
The Home Office has confirmed that the one in, one out policy for asylum seekers will not apply to animals. A recent test case involved a foreign asylum seeker called Noah, who arrived in a small boat with lots of animals. Two of each kind of animal, in fact. Officials considered deporting some of the animals under the one in, one out policy, but lawyers advised that this could be considered inhumane. They considered deporting Noah, but they didn’t fancy looking after all th
Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu
"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be
Home Office announces new 5 Star Migrant Hotel experience
Home officials have announced that whilst most migrant hotels will close over the coming months, a new 5 Star migrant hotel experience will be available for 'our most special guests'. "Whilst we are trying to shift focus away from the political and actual cost of the small boats", said Jez Danworth, a home office spokesperson, "we are today announcing a service for migrants that come across on massive boats with significantly more resources than those that came before." Mr Da
GB News to live stream small boat crossings
So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel. Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but w
New series of Hunted to feature escaped criminals
With 262 prisoners released in error, the government has begged C4 to find them again. The new series will show understaffed prison guards leaving doors unlocked, while elite bounty hunters catch the criminals with large butterfly nets. There has been a 50% increase in accidental releases, which means no need for cakes baked with files in them. In fact, there are more criminals now living in the wild than beavers. Said one hunter: 'In theory these molestors and crooks could b
US concern as Whitehouse found listed on Rightmove
'I knew Trump had ordered some modifications,' said a US government spokesman, 'but I hadn't anticipated him listing the Whitehouse for sale'. The Rightmove listing describes the building as being 'ripe for updating' and 'suitable for a keen DIYer'. The listing asks for offers in the region of '$20 billion' and says 'Bitcoin preferred'. 'It's suffered some structural damage in recent days,' noted an estate agent, 'but it's recently had an updated patio area. The internal d
Manhunt for asylum seeker nets six suspects who aren't him
A manhunt launched to catch an Ethiopian asylum seeker who escaped from prison has successfully rounded up six suspects who are nothing like him. "We were told to put the dangerous sex offender on a plane to Addis Ababa," said prison service director Derek Blunder, "but we somehow got the order muddled up and released him with £1,000 pocket money and directions to an agreeable pizza restaurant and the railway station. "We then put a dragnet over the whole of the UK to catch h
Second House of Commons may be needed
We’ve all had that useless colleague, the one who swans about looking and sounding important but never does any actual fecking work. For more than a century, Britain has had a special warehouse to store the worst examples, safely keeping them away from the workplace. Located in central London, the House of Commons has brought relief to hundreds of businesses over the years. ‘I didn’t realise how much she was pecking at my head,' said Jenny, a sales manager from Wolverhampton
