NOTE: If your life has as yet not been blessed by Dolemite and you are unaware of who he is, I urge you to watch this brief and informative movie trailer before reading the sub: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkjExJqf34o
Sub begins :
In an attempt to bring some much needed dy-no-MITE to his lackluster campaign, Barack Obama has hired legendary 70's blaxploitation character Dolemite to head his re-election campaign. Having been raised by the white side of his family, Obama had little contact with black culture during his formative years and it was not till Maya Angelou passed him a copy of classic 1979 action film Disco Godfather that Obama really began to learn about the reality of life in the black urban communities with whom is now trying to re-connect.
Obama launched his new campaign by kicking in the door to the whitehouse press room and walking in backwards in a neon pink zoot suit with a wide white hat and a gold chain bearing the presidential seal around his neck. "Barack Obama is my name and giving motherfuckers jobs is my game!" he declared before calling a laughing reporter a "jiveass honky" and karate chopping him in the gut. Obama ignored cries that the reporter was himself black.
Questioned about criticisms of his recently unveiled jobs plan in comparison to rival Mitt Romney's much touted 59 step economic plan, Obama said "My plan has 59 steps too. Step 1: Kiss my black ass. Step 2: Kiss my black ass. Step 3: Kiss my black ass. You get the picture." He exited the room with a giggling Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton on either arm, both wearing furs. Shortly afterwards, Obama engaged in an awkwardly choreographed kung fu fight with over a dozen prominent Republicans beginning on the white house lawn, a shirtless Newt Gingrich playing the role of the chain wielding big boss. The fight concluded with Obama dashing John Boehner's head into the Washington monument, knocking him unconscious and growling "Reschedule THAT, motherfucker."
Rebranding himself President Badass, though those close to him address him as Brother Obama, this new, ballsier streetwise president may be just what voters are looking for in 2012, especially if rumours are true that Joe Biden will soon be dropped for Cleopatra Jones.
Obama's long-awaited jobs speech was as follows, delivered in spoken word style:
"From state to state, from coast to coast
When it comes to jobs, I give you the most
Every Republican candidate's job plan appalls
Only thing bigger than the mistakes they make is my balls
I may not be competent or do my job well
But what other world leader gets funky as hell?
You might vote against me but you know that it's so
That your girl votes Obama, cos ladies love The Big O"
(Postscript: Yes, Disco Godfather is real. Ch-check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnnCSdXnYZE )
Rest in peace, the inimitable Rudy Ray Moore.