Michael Gove has outlined his latest attempt to tackle the so-called 'underclass'. From March, people who claim benefits, own more than two pairs of trainers or have the names of their children tattooed on their arms will be classed as 'Morlocks'.
The plans, presented on a dog-eared white paper entitled 'The About Time We Sorted Them Out Machine by HG Gove', promises to solve the problem of social exclusion by the year 802,701 AD. Gove presented his plan to a rapt audience, his pale complexion now complemented by a pair of pink contact lenses.
"This is a very ambitious project. Let me share with you my vision of the future, which focuses on the strengths of the underclass, and keeps them in a network of caves behind big, unconvincing-looking doors." But opponents have accused the Minister of 'blatant plagiarism'.
"The policy may well be progressive", claimed Labour MP Tim Travail. "And promoting normal, decent working people to the position of 'Eloi' has a lot to recommend it. But the truth is, this is just a rehash of our own party's policy, which we announced in 1984."
Gove has defended his plans. "It's no good taking a short-term view on these problems, we need to look a long way in to the future. But first, we have to keep a close eye on that dummy in the shop window over there, for a really long time: I think she might be a looter."
David Cameron has also backed the scheme. "I enjoy reading Gove's policies in bed, they're very well written. And this one is a cracker: there's obviously a few details and the last four chapters to go through yet, but I can't really see how it could go wrong."
"Gove has my full support. It's about time we tried something novel."