Millions of males celebrated today as Emma Watson announced her decision to finally put out to the country she’s been shamelessly flirting with for several years.
The news comes as a welcome development for Britain’s men who have eagerly followed her long journey from promising Hogwarts jail-bait to coquettish national prick-tease.
Michael Shirbon, just one of many frustrated observers the 21-year-old actress has stringed along, was relieved to learn that his years of patience would now be rewarded.
‘It’s about fucking time. For years now I’ve been all ‘Are we? Aren’t we?’, then, just when I’m certain she’s not interested, bang, there she is in the Metro; skipping up some steps whilst coyly peeking over her shoulder at me. She better not pull out at the last minute, because I’m certainly not planning to.’
Speaking to press at the recent GQ Awards, Ms Watson announced details of her impending seeing to whilst fiddling playfully with the hem of her thigh-length tartan skirt.
‘I just felt the time was finally right to consummate my long-term relationship with the UK’s male population.’ she giggled, invitingly.
‘So, I’m pleased to announce that I’ll be parting my red beef-curtains and signing autographs from 8pm in Leicester Square. Who knows, some of you may even get a backstage pass if you’re very lucky.’
Long-time fan and hopeful Google images frequenter, Colin Piggott, plans to be first in line for the grand opening. ‘Her eyes have been writing me cheques that her knees have consistently failed to cash for too long now. I’ve got my sleeping bag and Hagrid costume ready and I’m not leaving until I’ve thoroughly ploughed it.’
He added, ‘I tell you, it’ll be a long time before she forgets what a rolled-up sock tastes like. And she better not try faking any orgasms either, because I’ll know; she’s a dreadful actress.’