Frontline musicians are on the brink of a historic agreement to regulate the excesses of grimaces, lip biting hair tossing and excessive nostril use commonly deployed to express allegedly spurious musical emotion.
International Federation of Musicians president Jose Frank says classical facial expressions among the stars need reining in. "This is very like the controversy of the grunting tennis player" he said on the telephone from his HQ in Madrid, Spain, Thursday.
"We have seen fake tears, faces screwed into paroxysms of concentration, anguish, agony, manic nodding and occasionally downright orgasm. It can confuse and occasionally mislead audiences into thinking the performance is intenser than is really the case. We have had more than once case of players whose faces "have stayed like it," as per the warnings of generations of parents to face-pulling offspring. There has been talk of face doctors standing by in the wings to unclench locked jaws and disentangle wayward eyebrows.
Frank has now laid down a "code of facial behaviour", limiting musicians to four easily identifiable basic expression types:
Artificial aids like onions and Viagra will be expressly banned.